Perfect Love Casts Out Fear - by Olivia

How can I create a relationship that another person (my client, husband, friend) can use for his or her personal growth? Clearly this question is applicable to all of my human relationships.

Change appears to come about through experience in a relationship. We can provide a certain type of relationship where the other person will discover within himself the capacity to use the relationship for growth and change (or otherwise known as personal development).

"Type of relationship" - I need to be genuine. In order to do this, I need to be aware of my own feelings and not present an outward facade of a phony attitude. Being genuine also involves a willingness to be and express the various feelings and attitudes that exist in me. By doing this - being genuine - I am encouraging and allowing others to seek the reality in themselves. In this way, the relationship(s) can have reality. No matter what, relationships and people flourish when we are "real."

The more I value the other person, the more I create a relationship he or she can use for growth. We achieve this by valuing and accepting him (I mean a genuine warm regard for his condition, feelings, behavior). It means acceptance of and regard for his attitudes in the moment no matter how negative or positive. This acceptance of each fluctuating aspect of this person makes (for him) the relationship one of warmth and safety. Safety is highly prized and significant in a relationship. It is within this safety that there is absolutely no need for defensiveness, thus the other person is free to be "real" without reproach.

Next, I need to have a continuing desire to understand the person. Acceptance doesn't have it's fullest effect without understanding. It's only as I understand the feelings and thoughts that seem so horrible to you, or so weak or bizarre - it is only as I see them as you see them, and accept them and you that you feel really free to explore all the hidden nooks and crannies of your inner and often buried experience. This freedom is an important condition of the relationship. There is also a freedom of any moral or diagnostic evaluation. Evaluation and judgment, in comparison to acceptance and understanding is threatening and causes feelings of defensiveness to prevent the other person from seeing themselves (and for the moment, accepting themselves) as they are.

Characteristics of the relationship are: my real feelings are evident; I accept the other person as a separate person with value in his or her own right; I maintain a deep empathetic understanding which enables me to see his private world through his eyes. This is how I become his companion, accompanying him in the frightening search for himself which he feels free to undertake.

When I hold in myself these kinds of attitudes, and when the other person can, to some degree, experience these attitudes, change and constructive personal development will invariably occur.

We have the capacity to move forward toward maturity. It is evident in the ability of each individual to understand those aspects of his life and of himself which are causing him pain and dissatisfaction - an understanding which probes beneath his conscious knowledge of himself into those experiences which he has hidden from himself because of their threatening nature. This capacity to mature shows itself in the tendency to reorganize his personality and his participation in life in ways that are regarded as "more mature."

This growth (the tendency to express and activate all the capacities of the organism) enhances and encourages us; it exists in every one of us and awaits the proper conditions to be released and expressed. Within the sphere of this kind of relationship, the person(s) will reorganize themselves at both the conscious and deeper levels of their personality with the result of being able to experience life in a more satisfying and charitable way.

Within this relationship, the other person changes his perception of himself becoming more of the person he wishes to be. He has a better understanding of himself, becomes more open to relationhip to and with others; he becomes more accepting in his attitudes toward others. He is less frustrated by stress, and recovers from those kinds of situations more easily; he is less defensive, more adaptive and able to meet situation more effectively.

Perfect love casts out fear - The result is progressive growth and maturity. It is the polar opposite of defensiveness. Without unconditional acceptance and a commitment to understanding, experiences are perceived as threatening (perceived as retribution) so the person renders them harmless by distorting or denying awareness. The person, quite literally cannot see behaviors and attitudes that are unacceptable and inappropriate.

In the sphere of love and understanding, the person realizes that there is no need to fear what the relationship or experience may hold, but can welcome it freely as a part of his changing and developing (being transformed). He becomes more open to what is going on both inside of himself and outside of himself. The relationship is one where I have a warm caring attitude that is not possessive, demands no personal gratification within an atmosphere that has no conditions of worth attached to it. It simply says, "I care." It gives the other permission to have his own feelings and experiences. This safety-creating climate fosters significant self-awareness, learning and change.